Zugzwang (German for “compulsion to move”, pronounced [ˈtsuːktsvaŋ]) is a situation found usually in chess, but also in various other games, where one player is put at a disadvantage because he has to make a move when he would prefer to pass and make no move.

my life after the ‘A’ Levels, and after twelve years of mandatory education can only be summed up by the word, Zugzwang. with regards to the underlined portion of the definition of Zugzwang provided by Wikipedia, I feel like my life is wasting away with no purpose whatsoever. I’ve never truly understood why the stereotypical unemployed person is frowned upon until I got to experience it for myself— I feel useless and this feeling of uselessness is making me feel like I need a job, even though I would prefer not to do anything and to while the time away in a nice beach somewhere.

I am filled with conflicting feelings and actually wish to return to school. in school we are told what to do, when to do, how to do, and (every once in a while) why to do. I don’t need to make my own decisions and I don’t need to plan out what to do with my immediate life because school does all of that for me. perhaps, subconsciously, that is why I really miss school, especially junior college. the only decisions I get to make are how late I get to leave the school, and what I get to eat in the school.

it feels really weird to admit that I miss being a robot. a structured life beats an aimless one and I really envy those who are still schooling. I know the onus is on me to take control of my life and be proactive, but there are days where I truly do nothing but stay at home and utilise the electronics all day. I hate not having anything to do and I hate not being busy.

perhaps my thoughts are getting more fragmented. I can barely make connections these days and it really eats at me on the inside. I hope my credentials will still be valid by the time college comes around; goodness knows I can’t stand being in this state of limbo any longer. thank God there’s ACJC’s Open House tomorrow.