(image credits to Pittsburgh Counseling on WordPress)
so… I just got my results today!
there isn’t a word I can find to describe my current state of mind, except ‘ambivalent’. I’m toggling between grief and happiness— experiencing happiness from achieving some really unexpected things, and grief from some other unexpected things happening as well. things are just so… conflicting right now. the things I expected to get ‘A’s in were the things I ended up getting ‘B’s in, and the things I expected to fail or pass with mediocrity were the things I ended up getting distinctions in. things are just so crazy right now.
I suppose I am one of the more fortunate ones, able to accept the results that I have achieved. I am able to make myself content with whatever I’ve received, but I feel sad seeing my friends who aren’t as fortunate and I feel like a complete asshole for being so content.
perhaps it is natural to feel like my heart is in two different places, but I feel like I really need a break from everything: work, school, colleges— hell I think I even need a break from Singapore. I’m becoming very jaded as a whole and I’m afraid that if I don’t break this cycle soon I will become cynical to the point that I either become overly-critical of everything, or that I will become extremely self-loathing.
I know that I will move on and learn to be happy in time, but for now I need some perspective as to what this will spell for me; for my future. I need help and guidance and it feels like I won’t be getting it anytime soon.
“…and I can’t be running back and forth forever between grief and high delight.”
― Franny and Zooey, J.D. Salinger