–92: “blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”

(image credits to citizen.tv)

there might be some curiosity as to why I placed a ‘–92’ before the title of the post, which is almost always a quote. it’s something I will explain in a while so please bear with my banal ramblings. everything will make sense in the end.

I was thinking about the kind of life I’d been leading in the past five or six months, right after my very last ‘A’ Level examination paper, and I must say that the result of which is nothing short of disappointing.

before the start of the ‘A’ Levels, one of the things I had going for me and spurring me on was this idealised image of freedom, independence, and exploration afforded to me. I had this pseudo-checklist which flashed in my mind periodically, mocking me and telling me that I would never get past the exams. many of the items on this checklist were, regrettably, very much similar to wants of a privileged white girl [sic]:

  • travel the world with my gurrrlfrans
  • do a road trip with the earlier-mentioned group of friends (I feel too ashamed to retype that)
  • take a beach island vacation
  • find “true love” (what I actually mean is decent companionship; you can imagine me saying that while holding up my fingers doing that sceptic thing)
  • get the new iPhone (albeit for practical purposes)
  • have the ability to get Starbucks every day…

…amongst other things. five months into the break before university life and I realise, I have achieved practically none of these things I set out to do in my mind after the exams. which brings me to another thing (and the very first point I brought up regarding the post title)…

…I have 92 (yes, NINETY-TWO) days of break left before the official start of university life. that’s exactly three months.

six months ago (one month before the exams) I pictured myself having the time of my life at this stage of the holidays, sipping cocktails on an unnamed beach somewhere else (that isn’t in Singapore or the majority of south-east Asia) while soaking in the sun. instead, I’m stuck in an almost dead-end job, I’m dreading the rehearsals I go to every tuesday and thursday, I spend the days between sunday and friday just waiting for alumni choir rehearsals on saturdays. this is NOT how I pictured my break to be like. the days are bleak at best and I spend the days wallowing in utter boredom, only seeking refuge in the corners of my mind, or in choral music and musical theatre.

my expectations then are a far cry from my reality now, and I feel very much like this cat:
I’m looking at something that could be, and it feels terrible because I know and feel that I’m not being or doing what simply could be.

now, with only three months left before I sign my soul over to another four years (and possibly two more) of education, I can (figuratively) see the seconds ticking away, and I want to make the best of what little time I have left, but I don’t know how.

I’m afraid of making some really grand plans and seeing them all fall apart or not come into fruition. it’ll be like setting myself up for a déjà vu of disappointment.

dad suggested that we take a family trip before the family loses me to the world of academia, and subsequently the actual working world. it would be a much needed break but I have no idea where we should go to that won’t put too big a dent in the finances. I really want to ski, but I also really want to explore the parts of Europe I didn’t get to explore before. ’tis a real mind-boggler. hmm.

to end off, here’s the rest of the checklist I had in mind (that I can think of right now, anyway):

  • master baking
  • master knitting
  • cook a little better
  • adapt to a colder environment
  • enjoy a mind-opening beach relaxation trip with my friends and enjoy cheap food and booze (I’m not letting this one go)
  • do something right, for once
  • get in touch with a bunch of my old friends, maybe over a lunch or tea or something
  • go full blonde (or some other colour, that most certainly isn’t black or brown)
  • shoot some beautiful things with the many rolls of film I’ve gotten from Hong Kong
  • take so many instax pictures with my friends that I actually use up all forty pieces I have on hand
  • go snowboarding and skiing
  • revamp my room (this has been sitting at the back of my mind for months)
  • purchase some new electronics (main thing on my list right now is the GoPro line of cameras)
  • reconnect with a really special friend
  • discover what I really want in life

…so I guess that’s it. for now. I’ll try to catch ya’ tomorrow.

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
― Alexander Pope

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Jeremy says:

    I bet you won’t be striking off the last one any time soon, haha.

    “I’m afraid of making some really grand plans and seeing them all fall apart or not come into fruition.”
    ==> NEVER never never ever let fear of failure get in the way of taking massive action, no matter what it is. Better to have a life full of “oh wells” than a life full of “what ifs”. Even if you “fail” at every single endeavour, it is still a life well lived.

    Good luck for your remaining 3 months, Clarissa. Go crush it! 🙂

    p.s. I’m really appreciating your honesty and sincerity in your blog posts. 🙂

    1. clxrrr says:

      thanks Jeremy! yeah I guess that last one might take more than just a while… and I must admit that this whole ‘no regrets’ thing is taking a while for me to grasp 😛

      thanks so much for your kind words 😀

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