futility and frustration

I’m so tired of having dreams that will never come true.

I’m not sure if this is a part of growing up, but throughout the course of these two years in university I keep hearing this term “managing expectations” and as much as I’d like to believe that my craziest dreams will come true one day, it seems more and more unlikely and I have to manage expectations by having smaller dreams. This is ridiculous, and just utter b/s.

The problem with this is that even the smaller, temped down dreams aren’t coming true either. All I wanted at the end of second/sophomore year was simply a great summer. I’ve been devoted to this, applying for just ONE program since the start of 2016 and not even considering any others because I wanted to remain devoted and not be forced to choose. My excitement in this was heightened from talking to the agent who oversees the students applying for the program. Now, after finishing my last day of the semester, I am STILL waiting for an answer and don’t even have anything else planned for the summer. And, after talking to the program advisor for my internship last year, my hopes are pretty much dashed because she highly doubts that I’d get it at all despite whatever the agent’s been telling me, and I trust her judgement wholeheartedly because she’s been through so much and can somehow just tell how things will be.

This is shattering my heart into millions of fragments, and the last time I felt like this was the months that followed the A Level exams, after I was told I had to stay in Singapore for school. Why do bad things just keep happening, one after another? I couldn’t get a place in NOC, I couldn’t get any places for SEP and now, various non-responses for the one thing I really wanted to do this summer. ALL I WANT IS A FUCKING BREAK FROM THIS RIDICULOUS PLACE AND THIS RIDICULOUS LIFE. WHY IS THAT SO HARD? And to make things worse, I had such great plans (including going to Comic-Con to see my beloved Agents of SHIELD cast because I forgot to get a badge last year *legitimately cries*)

How many more times must I get my heart broken by unfulfilled dreams before I completely give up hope? I don’t want to be that person who has to just SETTLE for things because s/he’s been let down too many times. From the way my university life (and pretty much life in general) has been going, I might really end up as that person if an intervention doesn’t happen soon.

I am at my wits’ end and my outlook is so bleak that I’ve pretty much lost the motivation to get up every day, instead choosing to sleep in until the afternoon because I just can’t bring myself to face the day any more. I have no drive left save for the annoying reminder that if I don’t pull my weight and do my part in projects and studying for the exams, my extremely dismal CAP will just sink further. The scariest part is that I’m so miserable that I’m almost on the brink of not caring if it actually does plunge. The depression is terrifyingly and heartbreakingly real.

I don’t know what to do. I need answers soon or I might just lose it and practically implode.

header image taken from Community Table’s “How to Cope with Job Search Frustration”, which is scarily all too real and hits a little too close to home
post image taken from Virtual Hold Technology

One Comment Add yours

  1. Jeremy Ng says:

    It’s good to write and let it out. 🙂

    Why do you have to “manage expectations”, may I ask? Also, if I’m not prying too much, what are some of these crazy dreams of yours about?

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