(image credits to The Modern Nomad)

so, I was on the bus on my way to work today when a particular song came up on shuffle, and it managed to evoke a multitude of feelings within my dark and dreary soul… (just kidding about the dark and dreary part)

there are times where I imagine myself to be a walking contradiction— I’m uncomfortable with saying goodbyes (finality, change, and all that jazz) and yet, I crave a breath of fresh air. I’m constantly wanting to make new friends but find it hard to tie loose ends…

…but back to the song. it’s something that definitely deserves a listen.

in the years to come,
will you think about these moments that we shared?
in the years to come,
are you gonna think it over
and how we lived each day with no regrets?
nothing lasts forever though we want it to;
the road ahead holds different dreams for me and you

sometimes goodbye, though it hurts in your heart, is the only way for destiny
sometimes goodbye, though it hurts, is the only way now for you and me
though it’s the hardest thing to say,
I’ll miss your love in every way
so say goodbye,
but don’t you cry
because a true love never dies

in a year from now
maybe there’ll be things we’ll wish we’d never said
in a year from now
maybe we’ll see each other, standing on the same street corner though it rains
each and every end is always written in the stars
if only I could stop the world I’d make this last

sometimes goodbye, though it hurts in your heart, is the only way for destiny
sometimes goodbye, though it hurts, is the only way now for you and me
though it’s the hardest thing to say,
I’ll miss your love in every way
so say goodbye,
but don’t you cry
because a true love never dies

and when you need my arms to run into,
I’ll come for you
nothing will ever change the way I feel

sometimes goodbye, though it hurts in your heart, is the only way for destiny
sometimes goodbye, though it hurts, is the only way now for you and me
though it’s the hardest thing to say,
I’ll miss your loving every day
so say goodbye,
but don’t you cry
because a true love never dies

this almost brought tears to my eyes. almost.

two days ago, I’d received an email from FedEx telling me that I was the recipient of a package from the University of Miami, and that the package was classified as ‘International Priority’ due to arrive tomorrow— simply put, I’m receiving an urgent package from U Miami that’s due to arrive at my place tomorrow noon. these things really could not be more opportune.

ever since I started work I’ve managed to forget the fact that I’m going to university/college in about five months (almost four, actually!)— it’s hard not to when the students I encounter at work face the prospect of education with utter reluctance and a half-assed attitude. even after receiving three conditional offers to study law in various universities in the United Kingdom, I’m entirely able to forget the idea of going to university altogether. but there’s one thing I know about myself regarding university studies— I’m hell bent on leaving Singapore to find newer places and cultures to experience and observe.being informed about the package due tomorrow has managed to reinforce that— it reminds me that life continues.

it is with this train of thought that I’m also reminded of another thing— when I leave, I’m leaving my friends behind; the friends I’ve made and loved for so many years. I’m so afraid of finality; of how this may be the last goodbye I might ever say to them. I’m afraid of friendships ending. I hate goodbyes.

I have a big dream and a not-so-well thought out plan to achieve it— I want to become somebody in life. maybe a great politician or a prominent figure in the international entertainment industry. I know that leaving for another country to pursue university studies is probably the first step to really get ‘out there’, but a part of me cannot bear to go through with my plan. all my comforts are here in Singapore— I have my really big television, I have my massage chair, I have my computers, I have my favourite bed, I have my books, I have all my photos, I have my cameras and gear and all my clothes and stuffed toys and things of sentimental value— and I cannot bear to leave these all behind. I’m very afraid of leaving everything behind to start anew, but the rational side of me knows that I cannot achieve anything if I don’t break free from my comfort zone. I cannot achieve simply by daring to dream— I have to dare to do.

despite having quite a fair bit of friends in the different states I applied to study in, I know that it’s definitely not the same as staying here where most of my friends will be. I will not have the luxury of randomly calling someone up to hang out over a coffee or something, simply because I will not have as many friends there. my heart is in so many places right now and there are so many things running through my mind and I simply cannot make sense of what to feel.

all I wish for right now is for things to work themselves out; for my mind and heart to be at ease and to make the best decisions I can make in my current state. the perfectionist in me wants things in the next twenty/thirty years to be set in stone so that I know I’m not making a losing gamble. but, as I said, success in achieving only comes when I dare to do. and I hope I’ll find this courage within me sometime soon.

…but for now, I have to sleep because I have work tomorrow.

“It’s much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower