“…I see myself at crossroads in my life, mapless, lacking bits of knowledge – then, the moon breaks through, lights up the path before me…”

(image credits to DC Infinite)

hello there, my meagre space of the web, tucked away in the little corner behind all the issues that seem to ‘really matter’ these days (and by ‘issues’ I mean the who’s-who of what’s-that-world and the like). I seem to have neglected you throughout the month of April, and I wish I could say that I’m sorry about it, but I most definitely am not.

I also wish I could tell you about all the amazing things that happened in my life while I was away from you; all the parties I’ve been to, all the events I’ve crashed, all the pictures I took, all the friends I’ve made and met up with— I won’t, because that would be a complete and blatant lie— but the simple truth is that my life has been nothing but tumultuous and not as exciting as the awesome lunch whatsername had the other day. life has been nothing but work, alumni choir, festival chorus, and university applications (and offers).

due to unforeseen circumstances I’ve had to put my plans of eloping on hold (I’m not giving up on them yet), so I’ve held out for local university offers as well (remember when I applied to everything as a joke? hah.)

the holidays have served as a directive— that is to say, they’ve directed me to one very glaring point in my life which I’ve ghastly overlooked— I do not know what I want in life. like I’ve posted before, I’ve always thought that I had my life planned out, but now I feel as if I’ve approached a crossroads and really do not know what to expect of myself.

it is with this nonchalance that I’ve applied to three of the four local universities, doing everything half-heartedly and not expecting much— I don’t really expect many things these days— and spending the days whiling my time away at work has left me in a haze that sometimes causes me to even forget about higher education. simply put, I did everything in a half-assed manner and when everything came crashing back onto me the reality became greater than I can handle.

what is this reality that I speak of, you may ask? I refer you to the following:

it is how I have choices to make— I have options. granted, many would say that I am very lucky (and the more bitter and down-to-earth ones might even say that I am undeserving for all the importance I placed on my applications) and I do feel lucky, if not undeserving at all. I always thought that schools like SMU and NTU were a real far reach (who in their right mind would accept a terrible student who didn’t perform to the best of her potential simply because she hated a subject?) and thought that they would outrightly reject me. I guess things change. what makes this all the more confusing is how I was so sure that I’d totally screwed up the interview with SMU when I decided to call the other interviewee out on her (and mine and all of ours) privilege and made myself look like the number one bitch in the room. fate is funny sometimes.

I guess what I’m trying to say now is that I’m uncertain of what I should do. I am fortunate enough to have received offers from all the universities I applied to (and all my first choice courses at that) but I still feel like I don’t know what I want in my life. SMU is most probably out for me (only three majors to choose from? boring.) so it’s a tough call between NUS and NTU. I’ve always displayed a certain level of interest in communications (there was a point in secondary school where I was convinced that I would become a photojournalist) and people try to steer me towards NTU but I’m so terrified of it being a passing thing (and, to a certain extent, I’m scared of commitment). the faculty of arts and social sciences seems really cool (communications/ theatre studies/ philosophy/ literature) and I’m only so inclined to say yes to NUS. I am afraid of making a wrong decision. everyone says that communications in NUS is not as established and I am only making myself seem less appealing compared to an NTU graduate. worse come to worse, if I do decide to double major in communications and theatre studies in NUS (something that is becoming more and more concrete) I might not even get a job after graduating— who wants a graduate whose head is in the clouds 50% of the time?

here I am getting ahead of myself (again). it’s good to have dreams but these days I feel like it’ll tear me apart. what do I choose? how do I choose it? what if everything goes wrong?

please tell me if you find the answers, ’cause I’d like to know them too.

“…I see myself at crossroads in my life, mapless, lacking bits of knowledge – then, the Moon breaks through, lights up the path before me…”
― A Familiar Rain, John Geddes

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Jeremy says:

    How about taking a gap year? Heh.

    1. clxrrr says:

      haha believe me when I say that the thought has crossed my mind multiple times (along with some encouragement from my dad) but ultimately a gap year wouldn’t do me too much good. I absolutely hate mooching off my parents so I’d have to get a job but the idea of work absolutely puts me off. also, it’s not like I can find all the answers just by taking a gap year so I suppose I’ll just go with the flow and see how everything works out 🙂

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